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Rick Perry Suggests That Fossil Fuels Can Prevent Sexual Assault, But Twitter Isn't Having Any Of It

By Dennis Matthew Livesey

Forget pepper spray or emergency whistles. If you're about to be assaulted in a dark alley, Energy Secretary Rick Perry has the solution for you: fossil fuels. In an energy policy discussion on Thursday, Perry began recounting his recent trip to Africa. What may have started as a coherent thought about global energy strategies soon unraveled after Perry revealed his central thesis — fossil fuels prevent sexual assault. 

Turns out leaving coal in your stocking was Santa's way of keeping you safe.

I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.