Growing up, we distinctly remember our parents obsessing over this show called 30-something. We, being all youthful and naive, thought the show was a ridiculous snoozefest full of situations that would absolutely never apply in our lives. We were going to be great, perfect, super cool parents who never yelled at their kids. Our marriages would be rock solid and never hit any speed bumps. Our friends were going to be total #SquadGoals and we would never bicker or be catty. Money problems? Psh. Get it together, cast of 30-something. We were never, EVER going to have to worry about that. And what was with all of this fatigue? Jeez.
We were so deeply, undeniably, stupidly wrong and we'd like to apologize. Now that we've hit our 30's we totally get it.
We're not the only ones. Check out these tweets all about life in your 30's. And yes, before you ask, lots of these hit way too close to home. Some of these are NSFW, but you're going to read this from your desk anyway. We know.
1. Lost Youth
We had this realization while watching the Troye Sivan video for Youth. When we first heard the song we were feelin' it like:
"Yaaaas, current partner, we are giving all of this youth we currently have to you!"
Then we saw the video and we were pretty sure everyone in it was about nine years old. Nope. Troye is twenty-two. WE are just old.
My nearly 34 year old self is receiving the very painful realization that basically nobody considers mid to late 30s “young.” Damn.— Hunter Walker (@hunterw) March 6, 2018
2. Message Madness
Remember when that text message wasn't from your phone company reminding you that your bill is about to be due? We vaguely recall that happening sometimes. Maybe that's why we used to like messages?
Checking your phone in your 20s: I hope I have lots of messages— Christina Novelli (@MissCNovelli) March 6, 2018
Checking your phone in your 30s: Please let there be no messages
3. Dating Drama
Even those of us with kids and who have been married before have exactly zero moments for anyone who isn't down to add to our shine. We got stuff to do and life is short, boo.
Dating a woman in her mid 30s that has no kids and never been married is like playing Against west va. Full court press all day every day. They not playing no games about what they want 😩😩— Coach Aaron (@vettepassby35) March 4, 2018
They meant full of flavor, right? Guys? We're not up to speed with the slang of the young people.
Just read an article that talks about "seasoned" romance with MCs in their 30s or older, and now I'm going to sit over here in my rocking chair, adjust my spectacles, and mumble at people to get off my lawn.— Laura Heffernan (@LH_Writes) March 5, 2018
5. Twice A Month, Every Month
It's business, it's business time. You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for business that's why they call 'em business socks.
Being in my late 30s I plan my sex life around my bi-monthly erections. Next one should be any day now.— Ben (@superherofbmx) March 6, 2018
6. Well, Now We Know About Chia Seeds
They're a solid source of omega-3 fatty acids to protect from stroke, rich in antioxidants to keep us looking younger, and full of fiber to keep the poop schedule. They've also got iron for our weak old blood, and calcium for these brittle, dusty bones.
I used to be really confused when people said that ur 30s were the best days of ur life. But now I get it, ur twenties are just confusing like what do I wanna do with my life? Where has my metabolism gone? Should I b saving for something? Am I reading enough? What r chia seeds?— BRONTS🍊 (@_bronts) March 6, 2018
7. Decisions, Decisions
The answer, by the way, is to download a remote control app on your phone and then take them out of the remote.
Your 30s are for deciding whether to take the batteries out of the tv remote or vibrator for your bike lights— la peste (@hollypesty) March 6, 2018
8. We Really Are Super Fun
We like to think we just take creative license with some due dates. We're artists, after all.
When someone in their 30s tells you they’re “super fun” it’s just code for “I don’t pay my bills on time.”— Sarah (@thetigersez) March 4, 2018
9. Open Mic Night
Okay but we kill it at Open Arms by Journey and we have a deeply personal spoken word piece about reconnecting with our universal purpose. You'd be into it. Just sayin'
open mic night is weird bc it’s like “now THIS white guy in his 30s is gonna wail about an ex-girlfriend and/or God”— allison ruth (@allisonrdoran) March 7, 2018
10. Keep Hope Alive
Buy killer heels just in case, though.
11. Honestly, Both
That show pairs best with a white. You don't want to spill a red on your yoga pants while you sob.
Me in my 20s on a Saturday: *Is drunk*— Ryderdye (@MrRydiculous) March 4, 2018
Me in my 30s on a Saturday: “I don’t even know why she bothered if she wasn’t going to say yes to that dress”
12. Returning To Childhood Wisdom
The answer is that you should buy NO cats. Adopt or rescue one cat... or seven cats.
When I was a child I never wanted to have a boyfriend or get married cos boys were gross and mean. In my teens and 20s I lolled at my childhood plan. Now in my late 30s I realise I was on to something as a child and am wondering if I should buy one cat or seven.— Annemarie (@Anne___Marie___) March 5, 2018
13. This Is A Lie
You also get to dance while waiting in line to use the bathroom again thanks to your impossibly weak bladder.
30s so far: I only get to dance at weddings and pickets— Emily Baughan (@Emily_Baughan) March 6, 2018
14. We Sit Around Wondering What The Heck Our Parents Were Thinking.
They married in their early 20s? We can't even commit to a hair color, much less a life partner.
15. We Got This ... Maybe
Thanks. We kinda needed that encouragement.
some of our faves didn’t start their careers until well into their 30s, we’re going to be alright fam— mark (@its_markrobert) March 5, 2018
16. Oh We Know That Album
This single was a little more popular than "Everything Suddenly Gives Me The Sh*ts (We Wish That Asterisk Was An O)"
"My body has random aches" is the new hit single from "Your 30s"— Practice saying no. (@iiiNrt) March 5, 2018
17. Doggo > Drunko
Give us a pup and a locally brewed craft beer. Now THAT is a party.
Me walking into a party in my 20s: “where’s the keg??”— Blackniss Everdeen™ (@RockyTopKeith) February 28, 2018
Me walking into a party in my 30s: “where’s the dog??”
18. That Hurts
Um, rude. We have always had sensitive tummies, okay?
you guys keep saying your 30s are amazing but it looks like it's just all of you finding out you actually have IBS— lindy (@Lindyyay) February 28, 2018
19. Too Tired To Sleep
We hear good things about Zzzquil, too. And whiskey. We hear a lot of good things about whiskey.
Welcome to your 30s. You're tired all the time now, but you need Tylenol PM to fall asleep.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) February 28, 2018
20. This Anthem Is So Real - Not Just For Women
We sing it to our partners, the mirror, our actual children ... oh wait.
21. Oh God Yes
Couldn't this have been handled in an email? Will there be food at least? Will it be good food or is Carol bringing those stale discount donuts again?
22. New Career Goals
That's called blogging.
my 20s were all about figuring out who i was and who i wanted to be, my 30s will be all about figuring out how to find a job where i can fuck around on the internet all day— L L W (@LLW902) February 27, 2018
23. Is It Over Yet?
Our feet hurt and it's uncomfortably loud. We can't even hear you talk. We gotta go, our cat needs her insulin.
Partying in my 30s feels like shooting a party scene for a movie.— Connieshin (@thatconnieshin) February 25, 2018
24. This Isn't How We Planned It
Same, Brittany. Same.
When I was young, I wondered where I’d be in my 30s. And here I am. Single, stuffing my face with Thin Mints and watching YouTube clips of System of a Down concerts at 4 am while my kid kicks me in her sleep. Also I’m pretty sure my corgi just peed on the bath mat.— Brittany Gonzalez (@brittvgonzalez) February 25, 2018
25. It's Right There
We pinned it right next to that video about how much we hate people who say "suppose-ably"
Welcome to your 30s.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 25, 2018
WebMd is now in your bookmarks.
26. The Edgiest Edge
Will we be able to sleep tonight? Will there be coffee poop? Stay tuned...
Living on the edge in your 30s: JUST GOT A LATTE AT 4:45PM— Kathleen Smith (@fangirltherapy) February 25, 2018
27. Cat Lady
Um, actually... walking cats is a great way to safely get them some exercise. We saw it on Animal Planet.
Me in my 20's: *dresses like I'm on the catwalk*— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) October 4, 2017
Me in my 30's: *dresses like I walk cats*
28. Oh God No
Is someone going to talk to us? Ugh. Nobody talk to us unless you're going to offer to buy us hot wings. Is there even food here?
I love being in my 30s. I get messages from my friends like "oh god I'm in a club" and I'm like "oh god no" while I'm home eating string cheese— Jacqui Collins (@jacquicollins_) January 21, 2018
29. In A Nutshell
30. The Ghost Of Weekends Future
But, real talk, if you sleep past 9 you end up having to deal with lines everywhere and then you waste your whole day!
"And then, in your 30s, you'll find yourself unable to sleep past 7am on weekends."— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) April 16, 2016
"TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE, SPIRIT, I WILL SEE NO MORE!"