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These Cringey Text Message Conversations Have Us Hiding Our Heads In Our Shirts

These Cringey Text Message Conversations Have Us Hiding Our Heads In Our Shirts
Updated 3 months ago

Lads, we need to talk.

There seems to be a recent phenomenon amongst some profoundly insecure folks (largely teen boys) empowered with the immediate access of cell phones and text messages and whatever the hell Kik is. That phenomenon might be known as Roleplay to purists, but it's really just *asterisking*. It's where these lads, desperate for the attention of a romantic interest, insist on breaking the typographical limitations imposed by a text messaging service and *asterisk a narration*. It has the effect of being a one-sided romance novel, and it's just about the creepiest thing possible.

Lads, no girl or guy will ever see one of these messages and react the way you want. Let's take a stroll through some examples so you can understand the great monolith of awkwardness your life mustn't become.

Yeah, no:


But this is entry-level stuff - let's see real conversations to be found in a profoundly unnerving subreddit called "Creepy Asterisks". 

First rule - don't narrate. Second - 'boilogy' isn't a thing. Third - your sense of gender superiority is gross. Put the asterisks away. You mustn't asterisk.


You, dear reader, have more dignity than this, and you mustn't stoop to it. 

Intelligence is a grid, not a binary, and talking about your bulge mid-rejection is some next-level "I'm developing a current of truly toxic masculinity, alert the authorities me before I assault someone" creepiness. 

We hope you're learning. 

The respondents to these messages deserve awards and balloons and our precious respect, because, seriously, imagine getting this in your inbox: 

Yikes. Just... yikes. You mustn't.

Even within relationships, this is a bad move. 

So,  yeah. Two major takeaways before we meet our Champion of Cringery: learn to gracefully accept disinterest and keep the asterisks in the footnotes where they belong. You mustn't be a complete creep, lads. You mustn't.

Alright. Take a moment - this one is breathtaking.

Two words, lads.

Must. N't.


H/T: Buzzfeed