While there may be rare unicorns out there who manage to keep their sex lives steamy, the vast majority of parents experience something quite different than what they were used to.
Romance before kids: Flowers, wine, candles, foreplay— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) May 17, 2016
Romance after kids: When my husband uses air freshener after he destroys our bathroom
Being married with children is like being a teenager again. You can only have sex if you sneak around and don’t get caught.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2013
Sex before kids: Everywhere. Anywhere. Hot.— Court (@Discourt) March 23, 2015
Sex after kids: In the midst of sneaking, you kick a pile of toys and Olaf screams "HEADS UP!"
Instead of a cigarette after sex I usually just mumble stuff like "my back hurts" or "are you getting up with the kids tomorrow?".— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) August 19, 2013
Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 23, 2016
Be sure to keep the spark alive by texting him sexy little nothings like,— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) August 10, 2016
"We need to check the kids for lice" and "please buy tampons".
Dear parents who photograph their children napping or set up dinosaur scenes while their kids are sleeping: You should be having sex.— everything's GREAT (@SarahThyre) November 20, 2013
So sick of blog posts with titles like: Parents tell what sex is really like after having kids.— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 1, 2016
I'm over here thinking, "There's sex?"
It's when you and your spouse start referring to each other as "Mommy" and "Daddy" that you realize you're never having sex ever again.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 29, 2012
Marriage goals before kids: Make love daily, don't take each other for granted, disagree respectfully.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) December 19, 2016
After: Stay up after kids go to bed.
People think being a dad is just wearing cargo shorts and making lame jokes but you also got to have sex at least once and that was cool.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 26, 2016