we can’t stop here

I think I’m going a little bit crazy, but it’s hard to tell at this pont.  Everything goes haywire; physically and emotionally at this point and I know that … but I have this extreme fear that keeps getting worse.  I don’t know if it’s because of the preeclampsia with Caira or if my hormone levels are completey crazy with this little boy fetus.  I become convinced, truly, that somethig is very wrong if I don’t feel him moving for awhile and start to feel panicked … I’ll go eat some candy just to make him move aound again.  Every twinge, cramp and pain scares the hell out of me and makes me flee to the bathroom to reassure myself that nothing is leaking, or bleeding and everything is where it belongs.  I don’t know how to combat this; I’m scared of everything to such an extent that I can’t make myself leave the house alone and when I do I end up calling someone every couple minutes (I think I called Mark 3 times in a half hour yesterday for no real reason).  I’m terrified of something happening to Caira or Becca, if I don’t hear them for a few minutes I have visions of them dead in the street or missing from the house; I reach over and feel Caira’s chest at night because I think her motionless form isn’t breathing.

I have no idea how I make this better; I know I’d be even worse if I took medication of any sort … I can’t even make myself take the migraine or nausea meds because I am scared of them.  I don’t understand how I can make it go away when I don’t even know why it started.

after two weeks in missouri and a week on the road I found myself actually looking forward to coming home.

stupid, stupid me.

The wisdom of Caira.  She should write a book.

On Friday I dressed her three times, only to have her suddenly and miraculously nude within 30 seconds.  She has a bright future as a quick-change artist.

She didn’t stay entirely nude.  Upon excavation of her toybox she found the hat portion of last year’s penguin costume from Halloween.  She happily wore the penguin head, while leaping off the back of the couch and flapping her arms proudly proclaiming “I FLY LIKE A PENGUIN SQUAWK SQUAAAWK”.

I told her penguins can’t fly.  This just made her start saying “I FLYYYY LIKE UH PEENGWUHN” in her doofus voice while still leaping off the couch.

I need to stop buying toys, it’s obvious at this point that the furniture is much more entertaining.

Caira is frequently hilarious.

Last night she was peting Mark’s head and pause to look at his head close-up.

After picking through his hair a bit she declared “Daddy, your hair has polka dots!”.

I guess polka dots is a better term than grays.

I spend an inordinate amount of time reading news at work, because that’s basically all the filters allow.  I have come to the following conclusions.

The days of responsible reporting are long gone.  Text messaging on scene, from a funeral of a toddler killed in a tragic accident?  What . the . fuck .

There are no truly decent politicians.  Obama comes close.  Yes, he will say what you want to hear to get a vote.  The thing is, it seems that a lot of the time he says those things because he means them.  I don’t see him trying to take office for the sake of being in power, but more out of a sincere want to help the world (yes, we are part of a larger whole - America needs to understand that).  The constant slew of ridiculous attacks that he keeps ignoring should show the people that he’s obviously more mature than the old man who keeps insulting him for being too young.  Agism is not a good reason to vote against someone.  I’m not sure why it became a requirement to be as old as possible before taking office, but obviously people are forgetting some of our best presidents were the youngest.  Maybe a little youth and idealism is what this country needs right now.  God knows it doesn’t need more war.

Anyone that actually votes for McCain is amazingly deluded, or has the mentality of a 12 year old.  He’s a clown show.  His campaign has consisted of picking at and tearing down his opposition with bizarre schoolyard bully tactics (i.e. he was handing out tire gauges labelled “Obama’s Energy Plan”, I can hardly think of a bigger waste of funds or a less mature response).  The fucking crazy old man wants to outlaw abortion folks, I’m thinking this is a step back.  If you’re voting for him because you want to “win” the war … what, exactly are we winning?  I think we’ve all lost sight of the goal, if there ever really was one.

Quite a few women are determined to make this election the one that makes the others regret suffrage.    The fact of the matter is, she’s a mom, sure, but how in the fucking hell does that qualify her to run a country?  You bitches are crazy.  Get help.

The war is not going to end until we accept there is no winner and start trying to repair what we can.  This is not the old Chevy you’ve been dumping money into so long that it’s become some perverse investment - this is a massive drain on our country’s resources.  Not just money, though that is no small factor, but lives, freedoms, perspective and allies.  For what?  I’m sick and tired of people implying that against the war is against AMURR-IKA.  I love this country, I value what we have.  But we’re losing it, bit by bit and day by day.  And we’re letting it happen because we’ve all been bullied into silence, or have just gotten bored and don’t want to bother.

I don’t have a solution, but I can think of a start.  A fresh start, or as close as we can get.  We need a second chance, as a country.  We need some big changes.  I know people find big change scary, but look at what all the small ones have added up to, get some perspective and just think.  This is a very important decision, don’t vote based on sex, color, age, religion.  Look, a long and honest look, at the world perspective.  We live in a global community that we are quickly becoming alienated from.  Perspective is everything.  Try to get a wider one.

It’s one of those things you just don’t miss until it’s gone.  I love spending most evenings in the kitchen; only now I spend most evening in a hurry and my time in the kitchen is usually spent with a toddler attached to my butt. I always prefer eating in to dining out not because of expense (though that’s certainly a factor) but because creating something great and then being able to savour it is a beautiful thing.  Food is art.

I miss spending time eating with someone else, and discussing the meal itself.  Not dinner conversation; conversation about dinner.

Maybe when life comes together a little better; maybe when we have a table with enough chairs to sit at and maybe when Caira can actually sit still my little ritual can return.

For now I want to just implement a little of my old self into this new life.  My co-worker has been asking me for cooking advice and recipes; it just reminded me of how much I love cooking.  The challenge of cuisine  is just as important as taking the perfect photo or writing a magnificent essay.  Food is special; it’s a sensory experience unlike any other.  You can enjoy the presentation, feel the texture, inhale it’s aroma and savour it’s flavor.

Tonight I made Hong Kong style BBQ with a wonderful pork loin, egg rolls and shiu mai.  The pork is amazing; tender, moist and incredibly flavorful.  The eggs rolls are just perfectly crunchy with the veggies still a bit crisp.  The shiu mai were a magnificent disaster; as I forgot they were in the steamer.  They still taste amazing as long as you don’t mind eating little slimeballs.

All in all - victory.

I’ve had quite a few jobs, doing quite a few very different things. This was still one of the strangest first day at work situations I have ever landed in. It was honestly a lot of fun, though, and I think I’m going to love it there.

Work takes place out of a small veterinary clinic which is packed to overflowing with kennels, equipment and people. The hallways are lined with boxes of cats. I come in to work at 8am, and am swept up in the throng of people waiting to get inside the clinic and drop their animals off.

I get a couple of minutes to meet everyone, I honestly don’t recall most of them. I remember Mary, as she was assigned to train me and happened to be from the same little island Mark’s from.

My first assignment for the day, post-op recovery. This involves putting drops in the eyes, removing catheters, removing trach tubes, shaking drowsy kitties and monitoring them. One of the more interesting duties I picked up that day was holding pans under cats while the tech milked their bladders … ack, peeee. It was amazing to watch them all in action, it seems like chaos because it’s so busy, but once you’re in there awhile you can see how smoothly everything is going.

I ended up grooming a dog, which meant getting it shaved down in literally, five minutes before it’s anaesthetic wore off and it woke up pissed off.

One of the most impressive things that day: they would put several males under, line them up on the table and the vet would go down the line and have them all neutered within, literally, minutes. I can’t believe ow fast they all were. I also cannot believe the doctors sitting around eating doritos and sandwiches in between surgeries, and blaring AC/DC while they operated. It was interesting, to say the least. Oh, and there was the vet that would throw the testicles basketball-style, across the room into the trashcan. he has am impressive hook, he never missed.

During the few hours of my day, the guy that runs the foundation showed up and took me out to the women’s detention facility out in Jean, where I got to show some inmates how to groom their dogs.

And all of this bearing in mind I was hired as a transporter. Hah :] I expect I’ll be running all over town soon enough, picking up animals and running errands. This was fun for me, though, I’d like to keep doing it.

Flying testicles, blood, urine, maximum security prison … all in one day.

It pays crap, it’s part time and will probably be crazy … but I’m going to love it.   I get to work with an animal rescue and do things that really make a difference.  I also get to meet a lot of veterinarians and hopefully make some contacts that will help me get work in animal care here.  Best of all, my days with Petco are now numbered.  Woo! :]

being sick sucks.  being sick with a head and chest cold when it’s hot outside sucks even worse.  it just keeps dragging on and on.  i miss having a sense of smell.  i have not smelled anything, good or bad, in over a week.  considering how stinky caira can be, it’s a mixed blessing.  she seems to be over her cold and right back to her usual insane self.  i had her stuck to my head, like an evil little face hugger, she had my hair in her hands and herself wrapped around my head and was kicking me in the face and growling.  she didn’t want me to put pants on her :[

i have an informal job interview tomorrow.   lets hope it goes well, nothing can be as bad as the constant clusterfuck that is petco.

two weeks!

I booked Mark’s ticket today, and I’ve had the weirdest butterflies ever since.

I remember in vivid detail last June, I looked up from Marilyn and I fiddling with my sweater and saw you standing right in front of us.  I had the queerest butterflies then, too, I can’t recall ever having them before.  I can’t, honestly, remember what I said at any point … I’m sure I was babbling about something.  My brain was busy being giddy and thinking you had the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.

You make me stupid, and giddy, and silly and very much unlike my usual self.  Which is wonderful.

I miss laying in bed at night and listening to you ramble about things, I miss just hanging around in the living room watching crappy tv, and I miss the way you’re jsut the right height for me to hide my face in the crook of your neck.

I can’t believe you’re going to be back so soon. I can’t believe I have to wait three more weeks.

I have the feeling I’m going to have a very scatterbrained, accident prone month ahead of me.  At least I will, if the butterflies have anything to say about it.